It's been a while since I was really sewing a lot. As a result I've been wearing mostly the same work clothes for a while. But lately I've been having an itch to step it up a notch. Now that I'm in my 30s, I worry sometimes about dressing too old or too young. I also have a lot of clothes that I made because I was able to make them, not necessarily because they're what I want to wear everyday or because they project the image I want.
One major example is pants. I've made a couple of pairs of pants and I'm not really happy with any of them. Part of this stems from the technical challenge of pants but there is definitely a deep seated insecurity about my body. Skirts are easier and more forgiving to my body.
I would like to wear more pants, I think. Especially at work. A smart little cigarette trouser, maybe hemmed at the ankle. Last weekend I took another crack at shopping for pants, something that I had avoided for long enough that I had genuinely forgotten the frustration and disappointment that inevitably follows.
Any cute work pant from places like J Crew and Ann Taylor are painted on through the hip and thigh, gape at the waist and bag at the lower leg. Any crotch that is long enough to cover my butt in the back is way too tall in the front. Three stores and I was back to the anxiety I felt before I started sewing my own clothes.
And that thought returns - My body is irreconcilably weird, wrong and unattractive. Why else would it be impossible for me to find pants? Everyone else manages to find pants that fit. There must be something wrong with me.
Okay deep breaths.
I reason with myself that this must not be the truth. My body is fine. The booty's recent rise in popularity has helped me feel more confident about my pear shape, but I'm still just sad about my short, knock-kneed legs. I'm even dealing with knee pain because of the angle of my thighs. Ugh.
I see cute pants on other people and I want that. I know that pants won't really make my legs look longer, or my thighs and hips narrower or my knees straighter. But I would like pants that fit in the waist and skim over my lumpy bits instead of being painted on right where I need camoflage.
I would like some pants that fucking fit and I don't think that's too much to fucking ask.